How Far is Far too much?

Are you going further away?
To a land that I cannot reach?
How far is far too much?
How less is little so?

Are you going further away?
Leaving everything behind?
How far is far too much?
How less is little so?

Are you going further away?
Forgive me. I'll miss you.
How far is far too much? 
Let's see how less is so little!

Are you going further away?
Leaving me behind?
Tell me please, how far is far too much?
How less is little so?

Further away. Further and further away?
Why? Blindness and loneliness?
Sleepless nights, tears and darker days?
How less is little so, how far is really far too much?

Are you going further away?
Further than the furthest of the Nyle?
Volantly, flying away? How far?
Isn't that far too much?

Are you going further away?
Won't you take me with you?
Don't leave me behind, okay?
Please? Please?

Don't forget me.
Please...

Wonderstruck

In a quiet interlude, I sing
The rain inside goes pit-pat
Harmony seethes its way
Melancholy away

I stare into her eyes
Her beautiful eyes
They mesmerize me

Leaving me wonderstruck

A queen on her own,
Doth she falls,
Falls for me, enchanted
One so unworthy granted

I stare at her lips
Luscious, yet dreamingly sweet
I wonder why they mesmerize me
Leaves me wonderstruck

A kiss she blows
To my stomach, she says
That keeps my butterflies away

Rightly her I belay

And I meet her again
In my dreams, so true
She smiles and hugs
Yet I wonder wonderstruck

Our beginnings were humble
Or not, I hope not
Yet doth I fall for some so queenly
That I want to keep her so sweetly

I am a fool I say so, rightly so
That I don’t know what’s that
That what’s good for me
So here I lay, just wonderstruck

She accepts, my faults into
My wrongs and me too
My baggage she carries
And I so hers, I’m so hers

But lest none shall understand
A third lies in our land
One so mighty, yet so humble
That we call Him our King

This third became first, for both us and her
And we fell for Him
As we doth each other
Hence I say, I’m so wonderstruck

What we perceive as our future
Only the King knows

We wait in anticipation
Hoping that He shows

And I stare at her, again
One so lovely,
‘n I think you’re beautiful, darling
Kindly so, rightly too, I’m here, wonderstruck

Grace and a Discussion

If I ever keep a list of bestest pastors I’ve heard; Judah Smith would be tops, hands down. Only for one particular reason: he mixes attitude with humility (now there’s an oxymorn!), in all he keeps his focus on Jesus. He’s got this molecular thinking which at the same time is contemporary, yet bible adhering AND uncannily funny! With his knack of keeping his listeners captivated as they listen to stories they’ve heard a million times over… Totally inebriating! And all he preaches is Jesus, nothing more nothing less! Though I’m a critic of many things, I’ll be honest here; almost every one of Judah’s messages have moved me, made me pay more attention to things in the bible, and have influenced my prayers.

His talks on God’s Grace are only outdone by Max Lucado’s books. By the way, Grace can be a weird (read 'illogical') little (read 'unmerited') concept (read 'personality') that’s sorta hard to grasp, especially for the noobs (no offense! :D ), but it’s by far *the* most outtathisworld, free (read the letters, “FREE”) gift given to anyone who believes that such a thing exists (it’s that simple, just believe!). I’ll get into the topic of Grace in another post, soon. Though the reason I brought up Grace was because I stumbled upon this goldmine of a pastor a couple of months back while watching the 2008 series of Hillsong Conference where he did a message on the topic of ‘Embrace Grace’. I became a hardcore fan right after... (of Jesus, of course! :P )

I’m not going into much with this post, cos it’s got two forty minute videos embedded right underneath, both of Judah’s. The first being the talk on ‘Embrace Grace’ (which he gave at Foreward 2009, couldn’t find the same he gave at Hillsong Conference 2008) and the second (aired very recently) where he and his wife answers some really funky questions that’s relevant to our society today. The answers they give are as humbly attitudinal as they come and by far the best I’ve heard... (Especially his reply to “Is dancing in clubs or schools bad? What about grinding, cat daddy and dougie?”)

Embrace Grace [Live @ Foreward 2009]

The Discussion Q&A [Live @ The City Church, Seattle]

You can watch most of Judah’s messages over the past year from http://www.thecity.org

Jonah: The Square Peg in a Round Hole

The book of Jonah was written anonymously, though most believe that Jonah himself was the writer. It is one book of the bible where people would easily go, "Been there, done that". We all know the story; he was a ‘chicken’ prophet who was too scared to do the will of God. God punished him by getting a fish to macerate him. He realized his mistake, repented and went back to doing what God called him to do. And we all know he was just, as most theologians would put it, a ‘minor’ prophet. But in all this, there is more to him than what meets the eye. As anyone from RZIM would say, "Let’s put this stuff into context..!", and it’s to the context where I’m going.

Sigh

Goodbye, something so hard to fathom

So bitter, yet always, dissolves in sweetness

Sweetness in blissful memories, simple lovable euphoria

One that kindles your heart, elation that makes it beat faster

Faster with love, love with tears, tears of joy

Joy of saying a Goodbye...

It's hard saying goodbye

Excruciating it becomes, you realize

You'll never spend those moments again

Never to see them. Ever.

Ever is a strong word, even for me

But deep down you know it’s true...

You wish you could rewind...

You imagine you could go back, do it all again...

Lost in fantasy, this time better,

Spending more with them

But it melts, as reality grasps

You can’t. You just can’t...

What were you doing? All those times? When they were still there?

When time was in its abundance?

A thought struck your mind, Once.

The day was Inescapable. Inevitable. Irrevocable.

Fateful. Destined.

The time to say goodbye would eventually come...

Yet you shunned that thought

Contended yourself; they are always there

Lot more to go through, lot more to do,

A lot of time before that fatal day arrives.

And before you know it;

It’s all gone!

You give a hug. You so badly don’t want to let go

You want to hold them closer

Yet you say that dreadful word;

Goodbye...

Terribly, trying to control those tears,

holding them back…

You watch them fade into the distance

Slowly, their eyes to the ground.

Too heavy to look up, too anguished to turn back.

Waning. Disappearing. Fading. Melancholy.

The ground chills. Shivers creep you, the realization crushes you...

You’re never going to see them again…

All your noesis screaming at you, Run!

Run behind them! Catch them! Hold Them!

And do everything once more…

Just one more time… But you can’t…

Your heart tells you its goodbye. For good.

Nothing can be done; yet a lot more that could’ve been done...

And they turn into that despicable corner; you no longer see them

You want to burst, you want to scream.

The instant they disappear from your sight; You pray.

That it was all a dream, you'll be awake soon,

You'll get to do it all again. All happy! All blissful!

But that thought pops with your heart throbbing...

You pray they’ll turn around

They’ll come back.

You stare at that empty street. Your eyes hurt.

Please, turn back.

But they don’t. They’re gone.

Never to look back again...

You pray your paths will cross again.

You will meet again. Somewhere, someplace...

You grab this possibility and gouge it.

You wish it would be true...

You would have more moments again, more laughs, more fun,

more tears, more fights, more freakouts…

You run into your empty room

You scream ‘WHY?!’,

You cry

It’s okay to cry.

Scream.

Let it all out. And pray...

You pray, you pray...

But all you have are those indelible memories

Adore them

Love them

Cherish them

Never let them go, for that might be all you get in this lifetime...

One more time

To do things differently

To love more

To crack those jokes you’ve held back

To talk more

To open up to them. To let them open up

To treasure more

To hold their hearts. Just one more time…

Please...

This time, with love than with anger

This time, without a gloomy face.

This time, to make them happy.

This time, to make them laugh.

This time, to smile at them.

Oh I wish… I wish…. I wish….

My heart aches.

So bad.

So heavy. Its bursts.

A gaping hole is all that remains.

I lie on my bed.

I let those held back tears flow.

Never again. I promise.

We’ll keep our remaining days with such fervor

That saying goodbye would be just senseless.

We’ll do everything

That we can hope to do and more.

Oh, we would achieve it.

A day won’t go by

That I won’t be reminded of you.

I’ll forever shout it from the rooftops.

Those days we set on fire.

My memories forever mine.

My memories forever yours...

I look for the day they'll return...

I bane, for a final Kiss.

And they throw it to me.

One last touch…

A Goodbye…
....

“The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same. There’s always a scar, which is meant, I guess, to remind you that even for a little while, someone made your heart beat faster. And that’s a scar you can live with, proudly, all the days of your life.”
~ Augustus Hill

God bless you guys...!

The Bloody River

 

Before anything; know that you do not need the story of how a person was saved to realize that something has changed in his life. You absolutely do NOT need a testimony; ‘cause all you have to do is to open your eyes, and take a good look at him. The Bible says you will know a person by his fruits. A good tree cannot bear bad fruits and vice versa. And it won’t take anything to realize if a tree is good or bad  (if you believe the Bible that is…). That is the only way you’ll know if anything at all is really true.

This entry is long, grueling, beyond uncanny and painstakingly boring. You need not read all of this at all. But it’s there for my happiness and my closure on certain matters. It’s the very reason why this blog was created, the essence of it all; that someday I might go about and write what goes through my head. And it did take some time to get over it, but I did, and here it is: My thoughts in a thought...

In my most demented times, I wonder at the marvel; of how I was introduced to Christ. Not as just a goody do good person, but as a God; my God, as my savior, as my father, brother and friend… Though, the only thing that stood in my way was my foolhardy intellect. I faintly remember the first few stories I’ve heard about Him ‘back in the days’, those stories about a cool Dude walking on water, about those ‘Be still’ stories, and my! Water into wine! About Jonah and the fish, about David, Noah and the Ark. Stories that was fascinating to me as a child. I guess we all begin the same way; hear these as just ‘stories’ and around 20 years later (or way less), if you allow it, these stories will become a cherished history… Your history. Then it becomes all about the Kingdom you’ve just entered, all of its hosts applauding your entry; a Kingdom with a King who came to you disguised, who so dolefully gave away His precious life for your idiocy and paid the full price for your ingress; such and such in a huge calamitous divine collision. Know that He wants to incur an endearing beautiful exchange with you. All you’ve got to do is, for once; put away that intellect of yours, and open your hearts to believe. The rest is sure to follow.

The Cocksure Fantasy

Hey the haughty river, flowing unrecognized
Arrogance runs your ripples
Exacerbation your motive, temper the sword
And surely, it cuts too deep
Too deep to salve

You scathe everyone, nasty foulness
The tight wounds you conceive
You sew its threads with care, yet you rip it apart
Pain, Pain and Pain again…
None in your path, all equal in your selfish eyes

Like a bloody wizard in winter,
You foretell your deceitful future
Anger and disconcert in it all...
You sin like there's no God

Your stench, your vomit,
your soils, all a curse

You bastard, you the perfect hypocrite…
You mongrel, a whore
Dark and doughty, black and lame
Flowing swift and aimless
You bring nothing save harm

But, you want to let go...
You want to rush off the edge…
You can see the horizon and I can feel the zenith…
It’s there, yeah…
Please… Drown, let it go... and change…

Why does your heart break every time…?
Oh why don’t you tame yourself…?
  Why oh river?... Why do you flow through me...?
Why? Why are you me?
God...

The Perfect Hypocrite

hyp-o-crite /ˈhipəˌkrit/ :  If you don't walk the walk, it's probably best not to talk the talk.

The critical mind would be mystified by me, a fool when climacteric decisions are to be made. But, this isn’t about decisions or the fools; it’s about me or rather my own foolhardy world, a cocoon that I weaved for my own expiation. It’s a perfect synonymy, a harmonious embodiment. I expelled myself from the outside world, coercing myself to see with this new shade of color. And I saw bliss, I saw beauty, I saw contentment, an arcadian life, and I saw God. STOP! Because it wasn’t God I saw. Contrarily, I saw an illusion of him, an illusion I made up. For months I played around with this illusion. Talking with people, influencing them, and changing them; all through with my own private rustic world. And it was this dissemblance, this ‘lip service’ that brought many people to God, the real God. I hold my answers to them as true and legible; contemporary enough for the modern world (as I never held down any fast orthodox principles). And I was good at it, good at being an act. Acting all through, always, whenever I was with anyone, never showing my true self. And they believed, the nits!

The Enigmatic Conundrum

Back in my days in Kuwait, people never called me a nerd. They called me a genius. The subtle difference is that the latter never studies. The answers come to him, just at the cost of time. Probably it was a tactic developed by my lazy brain which didn’t want to bother going through the details, just the hard hitting facts. Many erratic grades of mine were due to me not having enough time to think. Hence I hated timed exams, and these deterred me to push with the flow. I had to use techniques that wasted brain on cramming. No logic, No basis, No footing. The education system screwed me over. And as you would know, the proficiency that got me through the toughest exams became obsolete, I forgot how it worked. Hence my serious academic career began with my stupidity, followed by falls. Then, I landed in NITT...

The Dismal Entrée

Ages ago, people were different. I was distinct. Friends and family always had me as the silver lining of their clouds. In reality, only I knew I was their bleak, black sheep. For some unnatural reason, my life till college was decadent. Don’t get me wrong, I had one amazing childhood. At least I still think it could never have been better.

This is the story about how I got into NIT Trichy.

Somnium

As long as I can remember I’ve been having déjà vu’s, in fact I’ve been blighted by it. Majority of these precognitions have, more or less, come true. Many of which were light and happy moments that I cherish, others were certain locations that I was sure I would never visit; but inevitably have done so. And then there are those horrible ones; half of which are yet to come true. Looking at the probability, I’m sure sooner or later it is bound to happen. The horrid ones are too brutal; for example, one of which I distinctly remember was lying down on the streets and taking a sip of sewage water!