Before anything; know that you do not need the story of how a person was saved to realize that something has changed in his life. You absolutely do NOT need a testimony; ‘cause all you have to do is to open your eyes, and take a good look at him. The Bible says you will know a person by his fruits. A good tree cannot bear bad fruits and vice versa. And it won’t take anything to realize if a tree is good or bad (if you believe the Bible that is…). That is the only way you’ll know if anything at all is really true.
This entry is long, grueling, beyond uncanny and painstakingly boring. You need not read all of this at all. But it’s there for my happiness and my closure on certain matters. It’s the very reason why this blog was created, the essence of it all; that someday I might go about and write what goes through my head. And it did take some time to get over it, but I did, and here it is: My thoughts in a thought...
In my most demented times, I wonder at the marvel; of how I was introduced to Christ. Not as just a goody do good person, but as a God; my God, as my savior, as my father, brother and friend… Though, the only thing that stood in my way was my foolhardy intellect. I faintly remember the first few stories I’ve heard about Him ‘back in the days’, those stories about a cool Dude walking on water, about those ‘Be still’ stories, and my! Water into wine! About Jonah and the fish, about David, Noah and the Ark. Stories that was fascinating to me as a child. I guess we all begin the same way; hear these as just ‘stories’ and around 20 years later (or way less), if you allow it, these stories will become a cherished history… Your history. Then it becomes all about the Kingdom you’ve just entered, all of its hosts applauding your entry; a Kingdom with a King who came to you disguised, who so dolefully gave away His precious life for your idiocy and paid the full price for your ingress; such and such in a huge calamitous divine collision. Know that He wants to incur an endearing beautiful exchange with you. All you’ve got to do is, for once; put away that intellect of yours, and open your hearts to believe. The rest is sure to follow.
To know me in this context is to know how and what I learned. If you’re an agnostic, this is my testimony for you, my Christian life; demystified. If you’re anything like me, then it is no accident that you are viewing this; learn from my mistakes. My entire blog is my thoughts and testimony for you guys. So, let’s begin somewhere.
On a very indistinct afternoon in 1994, I played the biblical story of the ‘good pharaoh that assisted Joseph’, on stage. I attribute that to my parents who persisted that I go off and indulge in something useful. But I was just four! And yet I learned those arbit heart warming stories and played my part on stage. Though I attribute that as a factor for molding me into whom I am today (or ‘was then’), I couldn’t fathom the fact that all this happened just because I was born into a Christian family. But my answer for that is probably because God wanted me to grow up in one. And when He created me, He probably knew that I would be perfect suited in a Christian family. Or maybe He thought that I was one that needed help when it comes to ‘faith’ and put me in one that had it… or something. Sometimes it’s worthless to try and understand Him. Don’t get me wrong, It worthwhile to ‘know’ Him; but don’t bother understanding Him, He’s a lovable mystery and loves being one.
Coming back, for some reason (childish ones perhaps) I took these heroes as role models; and wanted to be like them. I guessed that was their purpose in the first place. Young as I was, I used to filter these attributes out. I mean, it used to be boldness when it came to David, strength for Samson, courage for Joshua, Trust for Noah and so on. I never actually attributed anything to God.
Then came those random Sunday school classes; again more stories, more stage performances, more songs (more fun!). I recall dancing the streets of Kuwait, following intently behind my folks, practicing my parts to play onstage. People thought me mad, probably! Then I hit the age of six, where some really heavy concepts were handed down over in class; the book of Job, Daniel and Revelation. No, it wasn’t just the story of Job and his devoutness to God, but grievous concepts like the fact that satan could go up to God and visit Him in Heaven, about the ongoing war between heaven and hell, the concepts of Revelation, the second coming of Christ, John’s visions, Daniel’s visions, what all and what not! I was still six! I guess the teacher thought that it would take root in some kid’s memory and make him realize what the wait was all about, and especially what our faith is based on. And for me, it did! But, for some vague reason I wasn’t all that petrified about it (though most kids will be, it IS scary!). Around the age of 10, I partly finished reading most of the Bible (I skipped the prophets and some of the letters; found them too philosophical). It was the Good News Bible; pretty presentable, in a simple understandable language.
Lo and behold; then came my teenage histrionics: insatiable, egotistic, arrogant, deceptive, envious, stubborn, spiteful, rapacious and worst of it all; two-faced; I! I was a dramatist! We all were competing to be the best actor out there. I settled with being the intellectual and nerdy one. (And computer-oriented… which still drives my career, so to speak). Let’s a take a break, so that I can break that last bit down.
I was a sanctimonious hypocrite! I’ve touched this topic elsewhere down my blog (at a different perspective), but I’ve never mentioned where it came from. It was around the time I discovered ‘ME’. Soon my life became self centered. I could ever so easily flaunt a mask at everyone; and they thought me to be a goody two shoes! Only my folks knew me for who I was; that too for a short period, after which, I did my lip-service at them too. And before I knew it, no one could decipher me. No one could look through that thick misty mask of mine to see the murky black and malefic person that I was; Soon no one bothered or cared. And how did I go about doing this? That, my friends, was the diabolic silver-lining of it all; I avoided and I avoid; an incorrigible silent discourse; effective, simple, stupid. For reasons unknown to me, I never bothered questioning it. I seemed to enjoy being an incomprehensible mystery. And it was all under a pretense. So what was the point of it all, you ask? I frankly, honestly, don’t know! It’s just a terrible mystery! One explanation could be that I just didn’t want to hurt others and this would be my ‘best way out’. I do stand by this reasoning; though it’s contradictory and in a way petty (albeit some would call it sweet).
And I did everything under this mask that I created so exemplarily. And it did prevent me from having any true relations. Or at least, it was one-sided; they thought it to be true, and I carted it to be so. But only I, or say, the inner I, knew the truth. I still can swank this mask today. It even perked me with one of my most ‘sought after’ perquisites; that I can so, so very so easily control my tongue. Foulness and melody from the same mouth, at my will. Exuberant, right?
And this ‘thing’ also taught me the most obscured discipline ever; that I could live life without anyone at all. That I even could ‘pull the plug’ on any of my close ones; and I could comfortably walk off as if nothing ever happened. And it wouldn’t bother me one single bit. The funky side of me called this tactic the ‘Switch’ and I could use it on anyone and those people would be just devastated by me and I could walk away, smiling at them! This; even on my own folks! Neither the arduous loneliness nor even the mental stress would affect me. I could go through anything that a 15 year old would consider tensive with a clear head. It was quite a skill and yet it became my worst fear. All, the doings of my intellect. And I was a fool, wasting away into sheer nothingness...
With all this; I effortlessly went to church, attended the sermons, all the Sunday school classes, I learned all that I could; I became an ‘expert’ in biblical knowledge (so to speak). I recall the days, I used to simply sit in my church; there was this brief period every week, about 10 minutes before classes started, that the church would be entirely empty. I used to sit alone in the big place and stare at the cross and wonder what everything was all about. I used to call it my ‘one-on-one’ time with God. It was more of a one-way communication because I never got any replies from Him. Probably because I never let Him speak to me in the way He wanted to. And those times I dedicated, rededicated, re-rededicated my life to Christ, without even knowing what it means! I, frankly, was expecting some sort of a buddha’s enlightenment thingy; that everything would just come to me in a puff of pure logic and reasoning. And I would understand the entire picture and walk off happily. Now, I laugh at the very thought of it! Realize that He just doesn’t work that way…. Because He doesn’t need to! And if you were wondering; God really doesn’t need you, at all! Acts 17:25 says “He is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else….”. You’re not doing God or anyone a favor by believing. God saves someone if He wills it. It’s up to Him to save you and not anyone else; no matter what Christian propaganda you’re being fed or you’ve heard. Yes, you ARE given the power of volition; the quintessential power of choice: It’s there for you to desire Him and when you do; it’s for Him to take up the matter. But know that there is a very, very, very high chance that He wants to work with you. And that, people, is a great blessing; because no one is hopelessly lost forever. No one CAN be!
Lets get back; due to unforeseeable circumstances and reasons, then, beyond me, I landed in College, the NITT. For the life of me, I couldn’t fathom any justification for why or how I ended up in such a ‘prestigious’ college. But I did. Every cell in my body wanted to start afresh; but my vehement noesis did not let me. I was just too afraid that I would hurt someone with all of my petty putrescence. In my time here in college, I inadvertently got involved with the local fellowship run by students known as the Prayer Cell. I learned more from my activities with them than I've done for the past 18 years. And unbeknown to me or them, they would go on to play a major role in my life.
And I was at it again. Expecting answers to questions that I didn't even know. Never, never in my off-colored mind did I even think of taking it all to God! I mean, wasn’t that obvious? Every single thing that happened in my life was pointing at that very innuendo; that He exists and take everything to Him in Prayer. But I was oblivious. I tried beating Him into my plans. I bled through my nose trying to do it. I tried so hard to make things work and it never worked. And my pride didn’t want to take the fall. I couldn’t humble myself before Him. I thought ‘I’ was it. So He decided to send some serious jolts my way… My grades did the hula-hoop dance to destruction. My social life obliterated. My friends no longer cared. My relationship with my family, strained. And before I knew it, nothing at all mattered. A classic case of being lost.
And one not so fine day, the weight of this world was too much to bear. I had enough of my pestilence stricken existence. NO, as most would think; I did not envisage suicide; I was far too intellectual to do so. But with that option closed, I had no other alternatives to choose from. I didn’t know where to run. Every door I try would just be a fall. A fall deeper into the murky mud. So deep that it began to hurt. To bleed. Pain, it caught my heart and gouged it. Everything began to spin. I lost everything, my perception decayed into nothingness. Still blackness. Utter blindness. A shadow of desolation and abandonment crept over me. It ripped me apart, shredded me, its weight crushed and sprinkled salt over my gory psyche. My life till here proven decadent. I was reduced to tears. Have you ever been so miserable that you actually puked? I coughed up blood. I felt I was dying and I probably was. I tried sewing things together. And it spewed out even more. It gripped me from inside; I ran away from everything. I was afraid, so petrified! And then, in an epochal disconsolate hour of that fatal day, out of my own decapitated sense of predicament; I reached out... I tried to reach out... to something… and something was there… something firm… a Hand?! And everything I’ve ever learned danced before my eyes. The point was driven straight. I walked into my room. I kicked everyone out. I shut the door. I turned off the lights. I knelt beside my bed. I screamed. I cried. I was so ashamed of my life. For the first time; I found my intellect, destroyed. For the first time; I poured out my heart, I believed. For the first time in my life; I loved Him back, I prayed. Father of Love, have me..!
Heaven knows this more than anything. And I’m ever going to sing it. It’s everything to me, it's all I’ve got, and it's all I ever want. I cling desperately to it, by faith. Without Him I am nothing. And for all I’ve been through; it’s probably nothing compared to yours. You might be one who is blinded by pain. One who can’t see past your tears to see the greater glory. For you I ask, how can you know God if it weren’t for the pain you’re facing? After all; “God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed...”.
For you agnostics; all it takes is for you to walk outside look at the night sky in its vast magnificence to know that God exists. It isn’t so hard to accept, don’t even think of running away from it by looking for alternative bullcrap stories. Know that the Bible doesn’t even TRY to prove that God exists. It’s a redundant question. David writes in the Psalms,
It is time to stop fighting it and just take off your blindfolds, because you know that deep down that it is the truth. After all, it can be only either; true or false. And the Bible has been true about everything so far. What more do you want?
This entry is long, grueling, beyond uncanny and painstakingly boring. You need not read all of this at all. But it’s there for my happiness and my closure on certain matters. It’s the very reason why this blog was created, the essence of it all; that someday I might go about and write what goes through my head. And it did take some time to get over it, but I did, and here it is: My thoughts in a thought...
In my most demented times, I wonder at the marvel; of how I was introduced to Christ. Not as just a goody do good person, but as a God; my God, as my savior, as my father, brother and friend… Though, the only thing that stood in my way was my foolhardy intellect. I faintly remember the first few stories I’ve heard about Him ‘back in the days’, those stories about a cool Dude walking on water, about those ‘Be still’ stories, and my! Water into wine! About Jonah and the fish, about David, Noah and the Ark. Stories that was fascinating to me as a child. I guess we all begin the same way; hear these as just ‘stories’ and around 20 years later (or way less), if you allow it, these stories will become a cherished history… Your history. Then it becomes all about the Kingdom you’ve just entered, all of its hosts applauding your entry; a Kingdom with a King who came to you disguised, who so dolefully gave away His precious life for your idiocy and paid the full price for your ingress; such and such in a huge calamitous divine collision. Know that He wants to incur an endearing beautiful exchange with you. All you’ve got to do is, for once; put away that intellect of yours, and open your hearts to believe. The rest is sure to follow.
To know me in this context is to know how and what I learned. If you’re an agnostic, this is my testimony for you, my Christian life; demystified. If you’re anything like me, then it is no accident that you are viewing this; learn from my mistakes. My entire blog is my thoughts and testimony for you guys. So, let’s begin somewhere.
On a very indistinct afternoon in 1994, I played the biblical story of the ‘good pharaoh that assisted Joseph’, on stage. I attribute that to my parents who persisted that I go off and indulge in something useful. But I was just four! And yet I learned those arbit heart warming stories and played my part on stage. Though I attribute that as a factor for molding me into whom I am today (or ‘was then’), I couldn’t fathom the fact that all this happened just because I was born into a Christian family. But my answer for that is probably because God wanted me to grow up in one. And when He created me, He probably knew that I would be perfect suited in a Christian family. Or maybe He thought that I was one that needed help when it comes to ‘faith’ and put me in one that had it… or something. Sometimes it’s worthless to try and understand Him. Don’t get me wrong, It worthwhile to ‘know’ Him; but don’t bother understanding Him, He’s a lovable mystery and loves being one.
Coming back, for some reason (childish ones perhaps) I took these heroes as role models; and wanted to be like them. I guessed that was their purpose in the first place. Young as I was, I used to filter these attributes out. I mean, it used to be boldness when it came to David, strength for Samson, courage for Joshua, Trust for Noah and so on. I never actually attributed anything to God.
Then came those random Sunday school classes; again more stories, more stage performances, more songs (more fun!). I recall dancing the streets of Kuwait, following intently behind my folks, practicing my parts to play onstage. People thought me mad, probably! Then I hit the age of six, where some really heavy concepts were handed down over in class; the book of Job, Daniel and Revelation. No, it wasn’t just the story of Job and his devoutness to God, but grievous concepts like the fact that satan could go up to God and visit Him in Heaven, about the ongoing war between heaven and hell, the concepts of Revelation, the second coming of Christ, John’s visions, Daniel’s visions, what all and what not! I was still six! I guess the teacher thought that it would take root in some kid’s memory and make him realize what the wait was all about, and especially what our faith is based on. And for me, it did! But, for some vague reason I wasn’t all that petrified about it (though most kids will be, it IS scary!). Around the age of 10, I partly finished reading most of the Bible (I skipped the prophets and some of the letters; found them too philosophical). It was the Good News Bible; pretty presentable, in a simple understandable language.
Lo and behold; then came my teenage histrionics: insatiable, egotistic, arrogant, deceptive, envious, stubborn, spiteful, rapacious and worst of it all; two-faced; I! I was a dramatist! We all were competing to be the best actor out there. I settled with being the intellectual and nerdy one. (And computer-oriented… which still drives my career, so to speak). Let’s a take a break, so that I can break that last bit down.
I was a sanctimonious hypocrite! I’ve touched this topic elsewhere down my blog (at a different perspective), but I’ve never mentioned where it came from. It was around the time I discovered ‘ME’. Soon my life became self centered. I could ever so easily flaunt a mask at everyone; and they thought me to be a goody two shoes! Only my folks knew me for who I was; that too for a short period, after which, I did my lip-service at them too. And before I knew it, no one could decipher me. No one could look through that thick misty mask of mine to see the murky black and malefic person that I was; Soon no one bothered or cared. And how did I go about doing this? That, my friends, was the diabolic silver-lining of it all; I avoided and I avoid; an incorrigible silent discourse; effective, simple, stupid. For reasons unknown to me, I never bothered questioning it. I seemed to enjoy being an incomprehensible mystery. And it was all under a pretense. So what was the point of it all, you ask? I frankly, honestly, don’t know! It’s just a terrible mystery! One explanation could be that I just didn’t want to hurt others and this would be my ‘best way out’. I do stand by this reasoning; though it’s contradictory and in a way petty (albeit some would call it sweet).
And I did everything under this mask that I created so exemplarily. And it did prevent me from having any true relations. Or at least, it was one-sided; they thought it to be true, and I carted it to be so. But only I, or say, the inner I, knew the truth. I still can swank this mask today. It even perked me with one of my most ‘sought after’ perquisites; that I can so, so very so easily control my tongue. Foulness and melody from the same mouth, at my will. Exuberant, right?
And this ‘thing’ also taught me the most obscured discipline ever; that I could live life without anyone at all. That I even could ‘pull the plug’ on any of my close ones; and I could comfortably walk off as if nothing ever happened. And it wouldn’t bother me one single bit. The funky side of me called this tactic the ‘Switch’ and I could use it on anyone and those people would be just devastated by me and I could walk away, smiling at them! This; even on my own folks! Neither the arduous loneliness nor even the mental stress would affect me. I could go through anything that a 15 year old would consider tensive with a clear head. It was quite a skill and yet it became my worst fear. All, the doings of my intellect. And I was a fool, wasting away into sheer nothingness...
With all this; I effortlessly went to church, attended the sermons, all the Sunday school classes, I learned all that I could; I became an ‘expert’ in biblical knowledge (so to speak). I recall the days, I used to simply sit in my church; there was this brief period every week, about 10 minutes before classes started, that the church would be entirely empty. I used to sit alone in the big place and stare at the cross and wonder what everything was all about. I used to call it my ‘one-on-one’ time with God. It was more of a one-way communication because I never got any replies from Him. Probably because I never let Him speak to me in the way He wanted to. And those times I dedicated, rededicated, re-rededicated my life to Christ, without even knowing what it means! I, frankly, was expecting some sort of a buddha’s enlightenment thingy; that everything would just come to me in a puff of pure logic and reasoning. And I would understand the entire picture and walk off happily. Now, I laugh at the very thought of it! Realize that He just doesn’t work that way…. Because He doesn’t need to! And if you were wondering; God really doesn’t need you, at all! Acts 17:25 says “He is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else….”. You’re not doing God or anyone a favor by believing. God saves someone if He wills it. It’s up to Him to save you and not anyone else; no matter what Christian propaganda you’re being fed or you’ve heard. Yes, you ARE given the power of volition; the quintessential power of choice: It’s there for you to desire Him and when you do; it’s for Him to take up the matter. But know that there is a very, very, very high chance that He wants to work with you. And that, people, is a great blessing; because no one is hopelessly lost forever. No one CAN be!
Lets get back; due to unforeseeable circumstances and reasons, then, beyond me, I landed in College, the NITT. For the life of me, I couldn’t fathom any justification for why or how I ended up in such a ‘prestigious’ college. But I did. Every cell in my body wanted to start afresh; but my vehement noesis did not let me. I was just too afraid that I would hurt someone with all of my petty putrescence. In my time here in college, I inadvertently got involved with the local fellowship run by students known as the Prayer Cell. I learned more from my activities with them than I've done for the past 18 years. And unbeknown to me or them, they would go on to play a major role in my life.
And I was at it again. Expecting answers to questions that I didn't even know. Never, never in my off-colored mind did I even think of taking it all to God! I mean, wasn’t that obvious? Every single thing that happened in my life was pointing at that very innuendo; that He exists and take everything to Him in Prayer. But I was oblivious. I tried beating Him into my plans. I bled through my nose trying to do it. I tried so hard to make things work and it never worked. And my pride didn’t want to take the fall. I couldn’t humble myself before Him. I thought ‘I’ was it. So He decided to send some serious jolts my way… My grades did the hula-hoop dance to destruction. My social life obliterated. My friends no longer cared. My relationship with my family, strained. And before I knew it, nothing at all mattered. A classic case of being lost.
And one not so fine day, the weight of this world was too much to bear. I had enough of my pestilence stricken existence. NO, as most would think; I did not envisage suicide; I was far too intellectual to do so. But with that option closed, I had no other alternatives to choose from. I didn’t know where to run. Every door I try would just be a fall. A fall deeper into the murky mud. So deep that it began to hurt. To bleed. Pain, it caught my heart and gouged it. Everything began to spin. I lost everything, my perception decayed into nothingness. Still blackness. Utter blindness. A shadow of desolation and abandonment crept over me. It ripped me apart, shredded me, its weight crushed and sprinkled salt over my gory psyche. My life till here proven decadent. I was reduced to tears. Have you ever been so miserable that you actually puked? I coughed up blood. I felt I was dying and I probably was. I tried sewing things together. And it spewed out even more. It gripped me from inside; I ran away from everything. I was afraid, so petrified! And then, in an epochal disconsolate hour of that fatal day, out of my own decapitated sense of predicament; I reached out... I tried to reach out... to something… and something was there… something firm… a Hand?! And everything I’ve ever learned danced before my eyes. The point was driven straight. I walked into my room. I kicked everyone out. I shut the door. I turned off the lights. I knelt beside my bed. I screamed. I cried. I was so ashamed of my life. For the first time; I found my intellect, destroyed. For the first time; I poured out my heart, I believed. For the first time in my life; I loved Him back, I prayed. Father of Love, have me..!
Heaven knows this more than anything. And I’m ever going to sing it. It’s everything to me, it's all I’ve got, and it's all I ever want. I cling desperately to it, by faith. Without Him I am nothing. And for all I’ve been through; it’s probably nothing compared to yours. You might be one who is blinded by pain. One who can’t see past your tears to see the greater glory. For you I ask, how can you know God if it weren’t for the pain you’re facing? After all; “God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed...”.
For you agnostics; all it takes is for you to walk outside look at the night sky in its vast magnificence to know that God exists. It isn’t so hard to accept, don’t even think of running away from it by looking for alternative bullcrap stories. Know that the Bible doesn’t even TRY to prove that God exists. It’s a redundant question. David writes in the Psalms,
“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world”
Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world”
It is time to stop fighting it and just take off your blindfolds, because you know that deep down that it is the truth. After all, it can be only either; true or false. And the Bible has been true about everything so far. What more do you want?
