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| hyp-o-crite /ˈhipəˌkrit/ : If you don't walk the walk, it's probably best not to talk the talk. |
The critical mind would be mystified by me, a fool when climacteric decisions are to be made. But, this isn’t about decisions or the fools; it’s about me or rather my own foolhardy world, a cocoon that I weaved for my own expiation. It’s a perfect synonymy, a harmonious embodiment. I expelled myself from the outside world, coercing myself to see with this new shade of color. And I saw bliss, I saw beauty, I saw contentment, an arcadian life, and I saw God. STOP! Because it wasn’t God I saw. Contrarily, I saw an illusion of him, an illusion I made up. For months I played around with this illusion. Talking with people, influencing them, and changing them; all through with my own private rustic world. And it was this dissemblance, this ‘lip service’ that brought many people to God, the real God. I hold my answers to them as true and legible; contemporary enough for the modern world (as I never held down any fast orthodox principles). And I was good at it, good at being an act. Acting all through, always, whenever I was with anyone, never showing my true self. And they believed, the nits!
But I was happy, because even though something in me argued that I was not doing things in the right sense, I led these people to him, the one true God. I am certain these people have experienced him, his inexplicable love. You know, that extreme stomach turning truth that tells that you are ON the right side, the right path. And God was with them, none of satan’s devices would dare to touch them. They were able to stand on their own, worship on their own; no doubts, no uncertainty, knowing very well that they have found him. But this is what bugs me; it was through my persistence and arrogance in forcing them to listen that they understood. And whenever they look at me, I feign my dissimulative mask; and they continue to believe. Sardonically, how marvelous things were! I seemed to be quite the contemporary Christian! I was going to hell but people around me, salvaged! And as much as I don’t want to take any credit for that, I find that I am letting “myself” know that these people are on the right track because of me. No, it’s not boasting, unless boasting is even defined as talking to myself. Maybe its pride, but I don’t show it out. And my mind continues to play tricks on itself, like one alter to another. Above all, I knew that God was watching, ever the perfect judge.
Often I’d look to the Spirit for inspiration to take me out of this rabid mess. And lo! I was looking at another illusion, something of my own creation. I wrong myself by asking it, or rather asking my own head, for help. And then I was nixed, in more trouble than I could imagine. I lost sense. The vagaries of perception fooled me, made a fool of me. I was drowned in my own mescaline. Dreams were reality and reality, dreams. And terrifically yet, the world I created was running smooth. Smooth as crystal butter. No one could see the true me; just my fake smiles, my persuasion, my persistence and they continued using me as an example. In spite of my appearance, I was suffering; I was bleeding, in muted pain. No one still noticed and hence no one cared. Rather my perfect programmed world would cart them not to notice. Insanely enough, I could not find any closure behind any of this, it was all just daunting. Then there came the questions; why was it that I do not find peace in my prayers? Has it happened? Has he forsaken me? And yet I wanted to shout out his name with the same fire I used to.
With these questions darting frivolously in my mind, I set off to find the truth. But in my process of chasing after the unknown; I, in fact, realized that the unknown was apparently the ‘unknown’. Once again, everything was smoke. Every day I have my thoughts to pray for the Spirit to change me. But to no avail, yet. Maybe I pray for the wrong purpose, maybe for personal gain; but what IS considered ‘personal’ here, I’ve no idea.
Someone once asked me, “What will happen if one believed and then his faith diminished over time?” And I replied then, “How can faith diminish? Once you believe; you’re set. Your faith can’t change once you’ve experienced him.” And she looked at me quizzically. And I ironically thought, she was young and yet to learn. But how wrong I was! A critical example of such a person was I. You see, somewhere in that Holy Book it is written that belief in God was not enough, faith without actions is dead. Know that even the devils believed, and they trembled before God. Faith is tested and proven only through a personal relationship with him, one of love. And then his salvation received. The Epistle of James details this in beautiful precision. And I quote with little err someone I’ve heard, “So, just believing in God really doesn't bring you salvation, People say, ‘Well, I'm not an atheist; I believe in God.’ But that isn't salvation. That's just proving you're not a fool. For the fool has said, ‘There is no God.’ So you say you believe in God, and I’ll believe you're not a fool. But it doesn't mean you're saved. Salvation comes by believing into a vital relationship with God, a life-changing relationship with Him.”
It’s all too much of a mystifying reality. I am yet to recover; yet to put away this dissembling act, my so called ‘lip service’. Hitherto show the world who I really am. And yet to ask for grace. But wait... grace for what? Doing the right thing? Or doing the right thing with wrong intentions? If so, what were those intentions? ‘Cause I certainly didn’t seem to have any! I am a backsliding Christian and maybe even pharisaically crazy, but till my preprogrammed life hits that ethereal segmentation fault; I guess I'll be the perfect hypocrite.
